The Hunt for Red Receiver*
By the RipperEagle
DISCLAIMER: The Following comedy story is strictly the origin of the author of this story, and any relations to anyone in real life and the usage of people in the story were NOT used with permission, so don’t sue me for the manner in which I am about to use you.
-Philadelphia has always claimed that they have such great fans and we are so loyal to their cause, well, it is TIME to put that to the test shall we? I have come up with a storyline in which the five guys who post the most on our boards (me, Yankeeboy1046 AKA the Admiral, Chase, Young-T, and Wynn) had a fictitious meeting with Banner, Reid, and Lurie, to discuss receiver happenings and the final piece of an offense which would be elite with it on the roster.
ONE DAY…
Out of nowhere whatsoever, a guy who lives in Atlanta (Young-T) a guy who lives in Newark (Chase) a guy who lives in Hanover (Admiral) a guy who lives near Pittsburgh (Ripper) and a guy I ASSUME lives in Philly (Wynn) all just happened to come together to finally meet one another in South Philly. They all decided to take a trip to the NovaCare Complex to meet with Jeffery Lurie, team CEO and Owner, Joe Banner, Team President, and Andy Reid, Head Coach. Upon arriving at the site, these five dedicated Eagles fans walked to the main desk inside.
Admiral: Excuse me; would it at all possible to meet with the front office?
Secretary: Of course: and you guys would be?
Admiral: Oh, we are just hardcore Eagles fans?
Secretary: And what is the nature of which you need to speak with him?
Admiral: Team issues.
Secretary (chuckles) good luck with that one.
She picks up a phone and dials a number and talks to someone: she hangs the phone back up and tells them to go to the last door on the right down the hall.
Admiral: What did that girl say before she called them?
Ripper: I don’t know, but she was hot: gotta post a pic of her in our babe thread.
Chase: F*** her.
Young-T: Typical Chase.
Wynn: got your briefcase Chase?
Chase: (chucks out a brown case) you betcha!
They walk to the door and Admiral knocks on it, and they open it as someone on the other side says to come in. He leads them four into the room as they look around to see Lurie and Banner with a book out on the table, Reid standing by leaning on a chair, and Reno Mahe with a vacuum cleaner and duster.
Lurie: Oh hello gentlemen, I assume you are the fans that Ashley was telling me about on the phone a few minutes ago…
Ripper (to himself) Ashley: what a sexy name.
Admiral: (Smacks him on shoulder) yes that is correct sir.
Lurie: Come on in (to Reno) fetch me five chairs boy!
Reno: Yes sir! (Exits)
Young-T: Um, we didn’t re-sign Reno did we?
Lurie: Not yet.
Wynn: Then what is he still doing here?
Reid: Oh you know, got to find work for my Mormons some how.
Reno returns with five folding chairs as he hands one to each of the guys as they unfold them next to the desk and they all sit down.
Banner: You know this is absurd Jeff…
Lurie: Hush up Joseph: so what is on your minds, fair gents?
Admiral: Well sir, it’s about our receivers…
Lurie: Listen, I assure you and our fan base that we are working around the clock to find a playmaking receiver, but truth be told, it has to be a two-way interest.
Admiral: I see: so who have you guys been looking at?
Lurie: Well, there was a deal pitched to us by the Arizona Cardinals in order to obtain Larry Fitzgerald…
Young-T: That sounds sick.
Wynn: I agree.
Lurie: But what they wanted is unreal: Lito Sheppard AND our first round pick?
Ripper: How so: last year you traded our pick to DALLAS of all teams!
Lurie: Well, we did get three picks for it, didn’t we?
Admiral: But this is the chance to land a world class young receiver who obviously is at a stalemate with his current team.
Lurie: And we are at a stalemate with Rod Graves and Michael Bidwill…
Ripper: S*** just send him some ice cream and bowties for Bill, gonna love it!
Admiral: (stares hole through him) so, is there anything else?
Reid: Well guys, we have been talking to Cincinnati in lieu of Chad Johnson, and Detroit in regards to Roy Williams.
Admiral: Now THAT sounds like a plan!
Ripper: Roy Williams…that dude is tall and a game breaker!
Chase: What would Detroit want for him?
Lurie: Lito…
Chase: That’s it?
Reid: Seems so.
Admiral: well let’s call Matt Millen and try to work this now!
Reid: um guys why can’t we just draft one?
Chase: (snorts) with your track record and value of receivers early in the draft?
Reid: what is that supposed to mean?
Chase: (Opens briefcase) HELLO ANDY: do the names Freddie Mitchell, Todd Pinkston, and Billy McMullen ring a bell?
Reid: Well…
Chase: And in 2000 we could have had Reggie Wayne and in 2001 we could have had Chad Johnson: you really whiffed there big guy.
Ripper: …OWNED!!!
Admiral: Well, in order to get who we WOULD want, we would have to trade up.
Lurie: Oh no way we are NOT trading up in the draft: we might trade out of the first round however if this gibberish keeps up!
Lurie: We are open for suggestions: who would you guys want?
Chase: Limas Sweed…
Admiral: Sweed or Mario Manningham.
Ripper: What he said.
Wynn: Ditto.
Young-T: …same here.
Chase: But to me personally, Sweed is a guy who we would need to get up close to the tenth spot to get: if we go that way, then we could move Sheppard that way since we got Asante Samuel…
Admiral: Which may I say that was simply amazing that we got this guy!
Ripper: Heck yeah: he had more interceptions himself last year then we did as a whole unit!
Lurie: Thank you guys, but back to Roy Williams…
The phone rings on the desk, cutting them off as Lurie picks it up.
Lurie: Hello?
Guy: Duh hello, is this Jeffery Lurie?
Lurie: Yes it is…Matt?
Millen: Duh yeah hi there Jeffery I wanted to call and talk to you about that guy you wanted to give me for my receiver.
Lurie: You mean Sheppard?
Millen: Huh: wait I thought you meant a football player not a guy who herds sheep.
Lurie: (smacks head) no Matt LITO Sheppard!
Millen: Oh okay then…yeah you want Charles Rogers for him…you have to give me a pick as well.
Lurie: Charles Rogers: you mean Roy Williams right?
Millen: No, MIKE Williams!
Lurie: He is in Oakland Matt…
Ripper: (Reaches over desk and hits the speakerphone button) Matt?
Millen: Yeah hello?
Ripper: This is a mother trucker who hates you because you are stupid: listen dumb-dumb, we want ROY WILLIAMS, the tall dude you drafted in 2004 out of Texas, not Mike, who you took in 2005 and even isn’t ON your team anymore, and not Rogers, who was caught with crack and failed out on you.
Millen: …but I want…
Ripper: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT! WE WANT ROY WILLIAMS AND WE WILL GIVE YOU LITO SHEPPARD FOR HIM AND A 2ND ROUND PICK!
Millen: Yes sir…good deal.
Ripper: and you will ALSO send me a new black Ford Fusion, just because I need a new car, and I expect it delivered to my neighborhood Ford dealer within a week, for it is not, I will come to Detroit personally and B**** slap the sense right back into the head, got it?
Millen: Yes sir! (Hangs up phone)
Ripper: (Sits back down in seat) was I too hard?
Lurie: No…in fact, I liked that.
Admiral: you really think he will give us him now after you yelled at him?
Young-T: Do you really think they will trade Lito anyway?
Wynn: Do you really think you are going to get a new Ford?
Chase: F*** Ford.
Ripper: Well, as long as we get our receiver, I will lay personal greed aside and forget I even asked for a car…in a perfect world, right guys?
-The Next Day-
All the guys have gone back home went back to their living quarters the next day when they look online to check the Eagles site to see if the deal went through, but to their dismay, the guys are shocked at the headline:
EAGLES SIGN FREDDIE MITCHELL: GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
Ripper: Oh mother…
Admiral: I knew Ripper was too harsh with him…
Wynn: God damn it!
Young-T: The hell?
Chase: SCREW YOU MILLEN!
-The End-
